It's different. The sex I had with her felt more natural, more connected. Afterwards, I move back to the UK and I leave her and all this behind, like it's this delicious hazy dream. I don't tell anyone about what happened, I just box it up and put it away and start getting with guys again. Later, I become friends with this girl who's bisexual.
And she's super-cool, and she's so open about it, and she kind of opens my eyes to how bisexuality can be a cool thing. It's like what happened in France takes on a new meaning. I hadn't been ashamed about what happened in France, but I was wary, and she helped me to open my eyes to the possibility of being bisexual. After I break up with a really horrible ex-boyfriend, I make a proactive and conscientious return to dating girls. I think, you know what? I had this incredible connection with a girl and she turned me on in a really incredible way.
I think, hmm, it could be fun to see what could happen with a girl. Also, I never came with guys in the same way that I had with the girl in France. I always felt better about myself when I had a boyfriend, but the sexual experiences—even when I really fancied them and the sex was great—didn't turn me on in the same way they did with that girl.
Something was lacking. Later, I met this girl and felt an instant desire to kiss her.
She was incredible. All these feelings came rushing back, that whole body sensation, and I just wanted to know how the rest of sex with a woman went. Again, there was this deep connection. I call this my second first time experience. I was apprehensive, because I really wanted it to be good for her, and I didn't know what I was doing. But we'd talked about sex a lot beforehand, just sexting and stuff like that.
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I started watching lesbian porn when I was 24 and realised women's bodies turned me on. That was my secret for years - and I liked it that way. Sure, I thought it'd be hot to try something different, but I had no idea how to make it happen, and didn't really expect it to. Then, when I was 27, my long-term relationship ended and I found myself single for the first time since The break-up was excruciating - I loved him very much - but necessary.
I cried every day for about three months, then downloaded Tinder, as I thought it might help me move on. At first, it reminded me that there were people who could fancy me. It was a strange, comforting way to get back in the game; swiping through pictures of guys without having to engage with any, until I felt ready.
My swiping-but-not-talking phase lasted a month until, after encouragement from some work friends, I agreed to meet one guy for a drink. But I was so nervous, I drank too much and yelled at him about feminism and climate change. Then I turned away when he tried to kiss me and ran to the bus stop, jumping on the first one that came. When I told my sister, she insisted I try again. Dinner with an Italian male model, three sexy nights with a gorgeous French man and four romantic dates with a Dutch 21 year old later, my confidence was gradually coming back.
Late one night, about six months after I'd joined, I was idly scrolling through the app when a photo of an extremely hot couple 'looking for another girl for fun' caught my eye. I didn't want to be that girl - mainly because the guy wasn't my type - but it suddenly occurred to me that I could use Tinder to curate my fantasy of sleeping with a woman. Out of curiosity, at first, I decided to change my settings to 'Women Only', and started swiping.
I'd pause on each girl, and picture kissing her to test whether I still found the whole thing hot. I did. In fact, I was surprised by how many I found attractive.
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With men, I was lucky to swipe right once every 40 photos. With women, it was more like one in four. My first match was with Maria. She was 30, half-Spanish, half-Australian with green eyes and rapid-fire banter, but after three days she simply vanished, and I never heard from her again. Then there was Cassie, 28, with long dark hair, twice as curvy as me, twice as confident and a total dream. But she soon made it clear she wanted a threesome with her boyfriend, and that wasn't part of my plan, so we ended our interaction, wishing each other luck. Sophie, a bohemian-looking artist with puppies in her photos and a pixie haircut, said, "I'm actually just trying to make new friends, nothing sexual.
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Diana, a year-old Brazilian dancer, called me 'a pretty mermaid angel'; Isabella, 22, conversed exclusively in emojis; Myf, a sweet 27 year old from Wales, was only in town for three days, and Bobbie, 29, was too into her cats for my liking. At this stage, I was still keen to find my first female hook-up, but I was also just enjoying the messaging. It felt totally different to chatting to guys. Girl-on-girl Tinder felt gentler and less threatening.
Nobody offered to send me dick pics straight away, or got mad when I said I wasn't interested.
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We were both RAs in the same building, and our professional relationship quickly became friendly, and then flirtatious even quicker. I looked at those stars every night of the next year when I was placed in her old room after she graduated. I was working for a non-profit as a clinician and I would go into the community to meet with the children we served.
On that particular day, I would encounter the woman that turned my fantasy into a reality. Her name was Nikki and she was just the right amount of everything, she was masculine without the muscle, feminine without the makeup, and a smile that warmed me from the inside out.
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She wore a striped t-shirt paired with ripped jeans and a brown, perfectly quaffed Mohawk. Her eyes soft and inviting and lashes that looked like they belonged on a giraffe. She greeted me with a firm handshake and I found myself not wanting to let go. As luck would have it, 2 years later, she came to work at my agency.
We started spending time outside of work together, lunch here and there, Facetime conversations, and even notes on occasion. Then one day it happened.
The stars all aligned, my kids all had playdates, and I had her all alone. I had never been with a woman but wanted to dive in head first like those people in the old Nestea commercials. We were at her house in the middle of the day, and she was sitting on the couch. She smelled of soap and Fierce cologne. I was felt like every nerve ending in my body, was standing at full attention.
I announced that I had no underwear on under my leggings and proceeded to lie across her lap, bottom up. She ran her hand over the back of my legs. I had a track jacket on with a fitted, ribbed, white tank top. I unzipped my jacket and before I knew it we were both naked on the floor. I remember seeing an episode of the Brady Brunch, where Peter kissed a girl for the first time; fireworks were shown across the screen.
This is exactly what I felt at that moment, and throughout our time on the floor and the couch and the rug, there was not one time that I was fantasizing of anything, I was completely present in that moment. This was what sex should be. The glow from my first queer sexual experience lingered, until the next time we would meet. The days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months, months turned into years and here we are.
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Nikki and I are now married and are living together in the suburbs. To this day, I still see fireworks, and I can confidently say there is nothing better, than the scent of a woman. My first time was super relaxed. Gentle talking and laughing. It was comforting. The first women I ever fell in love with, I made all the first moves. We went on like four dates before we even kissed because I was so in my head and nervous—I had never been with a woman before and I was falling fast.
Which quickly turned into more. Connecting with another femme, another woman on that level completely blew my mind. This year at the mature age of 36 I lost my… I guess you can call lesbian virginity. I went with a group of friends not really with any expectations but to dance and have a good time, however, meeting someone would have been icing on the cake. During the night we were moving around the dance floor and all of a sudden this beautiful woman stopped me and asked me to dance. We danced and drank and I stepped on her toes the entire night.
Despite the sloppy dance moves she still asked me for my number! I was in shock. This was my first time out and a beautiful, super outgoing woman was asking for MY number?! We ended up going on a date a few weeks later. I am finally having this experience. We undressed and I remember thinking how incredible I thought her body was. Our hands and lips and bodies were all over each other. Just that was mind-blowing. The sex was so different than anything I had ever experienced before. I loved the feeling of her embrace, her curves, her touch, the way she felt, the way her body looked against mine.